there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
