Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
