Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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