Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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