You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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