I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
