My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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