I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
