these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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