morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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