Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
