Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
