when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
