He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
