my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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