I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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