well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
