Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We had sex on a dog bed..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
