call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
