she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
