my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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