So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
