I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
