haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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