so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
