will power is for people who don't want to get laid
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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