A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
