Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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