i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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