There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
