dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
