I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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