I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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