We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
