Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
