We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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