I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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