she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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