I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
