Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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