he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
