Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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