Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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