Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
FUCK WHALES
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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