I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
