i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
barbara walters just said penis...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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