I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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