If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
