I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
