Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
