i just made my gag reflex go away.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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