I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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