just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
