Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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