I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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