Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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