for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
